Things I Must Remember As A Dog

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the couch, or under the bed. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, and etc. just because I like how they smell. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is Not a cookie jar. Kitty box crunches, although they are tasty they are not food. I will not chew my master's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my masters will think I'm hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do Not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my "mom's" underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's drivers license and car registration. I will not play tug of war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt! I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do. I will not fart in my master's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. Suddenly turning around and smelling by butt can quickly clear a room. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a GOOD thing.